Why write?

I agree that this is an outlet, but to what end? What do I hope to accomplish by writing in this blog that I'm feebly attempting to leave anonymous? Why write at all?

I went through the phase as a young teen of wanting to be a singer and songwriter. Since Mom had such a good voice, I assumed mine wasn't so bad (I could still use some training one day). My writing, however, was always quite sappy and cliche which was not uncommon for someone of my age and naivete. Writing about crushes, happiness, and dreams in such a blatant way certainly wasn't what I enjoyed listening to, so why in the world did it come out of my head? I had an $80 Casio that did well for the song portion of my songwriting hobby, but my previous short stint of piano lessons didn't leave me well-equipped for the job. In the end, the keyboard was a hobby in itself for playing tunes by ear until it was stolen several years later. The songs found their way to the trashcan because I couldn't bear to read them after I'd written them, and as for my voice... I enjoy singing to myself, but you couldn't pay me to do karaoke.

I've since realized some more optimal ways to approach tackling a large task such as the one above. I don't particularly enjoy being taught when I have high expectations for myself. Example: I was afraid to practice my French Horn at home because my mother and father both played instruments--I had an easier time locking myself in a store room at school to practice where no one heard me. I prefer to go at my own pace and self-teach until I'm up to par according to me and no one else. If others still think ill of my performance, then it's easier for me to accept constructive criticism because at least I had confidence in myself. Yes, it's a matter of self-esteem.

So, how do you self-teach writing? Fortunately, since my mother is a writer and former English teacher--tell me I'm not setting myself up for failure here--I have a very good background to work with already. Although similar to the French Horn experience, I won't be asking for her help any time soon. I could buy books, research online, imitate others...but I still have to be the one who's happy with it in the end. What good is a piece of writing with my name attached if it's not something I'm proud of?

I still haven't answered my starting questions of "why?" Well, why did I want to be a singer/songwriter? I knew how I felt when I listened to my favorite singers. They poured their hearts out and gave everything they had just to offer those that would listen something with meaning. They all did it in different ways, but I knew when a singer wasn't sincere. Those tapes and CD's were turned in for store credit. I wanted to inspire others that way. Hell, I still wanted to when I went to college. I thought I could get there by being a teacher, but I committed the same blunder by being too immature for the job at hand and going against my instincts (thanks, bureaucracy). Now I'm an A/R manager at a small business and I'm as happy as a lark. Why? Because I realized that it's not necessarily what you do, but how you do it. I view my job as a vessel, not the product. I could dig a ditch or direct a choir, but I'm still here to do what I need to do, and I'm going to do it.

So I want to use writing to inspire. I feel that I can view writing in a different light than I used to and use it as a vessel for change in myself and one day others. I'm still figuring out how a blog on the edge of nothing is going to accomplish that. I'm a perfectionist, so for now the plan is to keep writing until I'm happy with it.