Oct 22, 2010

Strange Dreams

They warn women that rising anxiety and hormonal shifts during late third trimester can cause strange dreams. Mine have been relatively normal except for last night.

I was living in a small ranch house by myself. A gruff, evil man I did not know broke into my house and held me hostage there. I couldn't leave. I couldn't call for help. I couldn't overpower or outsmart him. He didn't physically abuse me, but I remember feeling oppressed. I felt myself succumbing to Stockholm Syndrome. I found myself feeling attracted to him even though I knew he had a different agenda. At one point my parents came to the house, and I let them in. They took some shopping bags into a back room, and I tried to tell them to call 911, but nothing would come out of my mouth. Later once my mom realized he was there, I told her, "We have to leave. We have to get out." She looked at me with tears in her eyes, "We'll die." At that point, I woke up.

I whined. I didn't feel upset to the point of tears, but I felt terrible that I couldn't figure out what to do. I was disappointed. Thankfully Travis must have sensed that and was really comforting even before I could mention that I had a bad dream. I still feel disappointed in myself. I took no actions and stagnated rather than make a move.

Aug 18, 2010

Several synchronicities keep coming up lately: honesty, truth, faith. What decisions am I being urged towards?

Aug 17, 2010

It's Time

to look through a different lens.
to break some rules.
to rebuild my reality.
to live by intuition.
to love everything and everyone.
to trust the universe.

Jul 8, 2010

Ding!

I've been putting out the intention this week that I wanted a sign from my guides on what to do about my current job. I've officially been thinking too hard. "Meeting halfway" was a message from my spirit guides to meditate and talk to them. I never thought I would misunderstand a message, but there's a first time for everything. Guess I'd better start meditating regularly!

May 19, 2010

Wants

I want...

to help others help themselves
to see others blossom with confidence and love
to hone my intuition
to intuitively read others
to help others on their life's path
to help others discover their life's purpose
to commune with my spirit guides
to believe in myself
to be a life coach and counselor

Apr 28, 2010

Forever Jung

The years, of which I have spoken to you, when I pursued the inner images, were the most important time of my life. Everything else is to be derived from this. It began at that time, and the later details hardly matter anymore. My entire life consisted in elaborating what had burst forth from the unconscious and flooded me like an enigmatic stream and threatened to break me. That was the stuff and material for more than only one life. Everything later was merely the outer classification, the scientific elaboration, and the integration into life. But the numinous beginning, which contained everything, was then. --C.G. Jung

Apr 9, 2010

une belle petite fleur

vous êtes une belle fleur.
dérivant dans la mer.
qui allez-vous ramasser
et vous apporter à votre amour?

you are a beautiful flower
drifting in the sea
who will scoop you up
and bring you to your love?

oh, précieuse petite fleur
dérivant dans la mer.
qui va pendre votre coeur
et vous ramener à moi?

oh, precious little flower
drifting in the sea.
who will catch your heart
and bring you back to me?

Apr 7, 2010

Meet Me Halfway

The Dream:

We were in a fairly busy food court. As I spoke with Thomas, Guy joined us and sat next to me. Why did he sit next to me, I thought to myself wildly. He's Thomas's right-hand man. It took everything I had not to gaze at him. I tried to act casually as I continued my conversation with his best friend and counterpart, but all of my attention--everything in my being--was focused on Guy. Possibly sensing this, the exchange with Thomas dwindled, and I soon found myself relatively alone with Guy. We seemed to have our own conversation simply by sitting next to one another. We had not touched or looked at one another directly, yet we both conveyed love and understanding. Inwardly I yearned to hear him speak to me--to ask me to see him again. Outwardly I busied myself with my phone. My ego began to chide. It denied that he'd even sensed my wishes. Ego lashed at me, "Why would he want to be with you? You're no one. He doesn't even know you exist. See how he has ignored you?" Instead of fear, I gave love to ego. Before ego could jibe again, he spoke:

"Can you meet me in Missouri?" He turned to me ever so slightly so I could see his profile.
"Hm?" I perked up, frozen, but elated that he asked me to meet him. Missouri? As in halfway to LA?
"Can you meet me halfway?" Ah, not halfway literally...

Can you meet me halfway? Of course I can! I didn't answer aloud. Instead I let my head fall to his shoulder. He wore a beat up brown leather jacket that felt like love. It was so comforting I snuggled into his arm. He snuggled a little himself as an acknowledgment of my answer. We still had not seen each others' eyes. There was no need. We sat there together with love, oblivious to the rest of the world.


The Reflection:
  • I seem to be communicating more often in my dreams without speaking. Last night's dream was more of a conveyance with hope of reciprocation, which happened.
  • My confidence in unconditional love is growing. I'm catching myself more before making negative comments or having negative thoughts. It's more congruous to re-frame a situation and avoid negativity. It's easier to feel love than hate. And I'm very happy to have feelings of unconditional love for the day because of a dream.
  • My thoughts of Guy have changed since the pregnancy. I see him more as an equal to convey love to, instead of placing him above me. We are all equal, just different.
  • Can you meet me halfway? Does this have meaning? Or was it just a device of the dream? I'll think on it today and see where it goes.

Mar 30, 2010

There is Still Love

This is the second week that I've had "love" dreams. I woke up feeling very loved and capable of loving.

First, I dreamed I was dreaming. In that dream speech and sound didn't exist. There was feeling. I could still see, though, so who I saw was a man similar to Nick Andros (Rob Lowe), but younger and more vibrant. There was love; Oh, there was love! We were both so gentle. When I awoke, the world was different. He looked different physically, but he was the same inside. Now he resembled someone I knew from high school, but still did not speak or hear. At first I lamented that he wasn't the same, but then I realized that love is still love no matter how you appear. I still had a connection to him. There was still love.

On the way to work I had a moment of recognition: T and I are connected. We're travelers. We're the pair of geese in the morning sky. We're quite capable of that gentle love, if only we'd notice it.

Mar 8, 2010

This Blog's Purpose

When I began this writing blog a few years ago, I wasn't sure what I intended to find. Was I looking for myself? Was I looking for answers? Was I looking for other people who felt the same way? Did I want to help others to understand themselves? I assumed if I put several focused thoughts in one place, that they would somehow manifest an answer that I didn't know I was looking for. Pretty vague, eh? It's easy to see now that I wasn't specific in my request, so of course I wasn't going to get a specific answer. As of two years after the blog started, I do not have one follower or even a comment. I'm aware of only two people who have ever read an entry, and I didn't even receive a confirmation of what they may have read or thought of the blog.

To put it plainly, this blog is a hot mess.

I now have a better understanding of manifestation, so instead of throwing thoughts to the universe, I need to have a goal visualized.

Feb 23, 2010

At the End of the Day

I feel in-between. I'm mentally weary from a day's work and need to wind down. I feel no urge to absorb information. Now is a time for rest and processing. I would like to experience something familiar, not new. I think I have the perfect music in mind for the drive home.

I am comforted to simply be.

Feb 18, 2010

Blind to Yourself

“Your prevailing characteristic is hidden. You act on it without seeing that you’re acting on it.”

This is why I have trouble defining all but the most general characteristics of myself. I know I'm introverted, intelligent, funny, caring, and emotional...but nothing defining comes to mind such as "caretaker, artist, lover." I've come to appreciate a label-less me. It just makes writing biographies and descriptions of myself difficult. ;)

Feb 10, 2010

Passion Without Attachment

What does that mean? A love for music without judgment? Helping others with no expectations? Creativity without concern of outcome? It means I must accept everything as a potential muse and not become reliant on one thing. I must love and appreciate everything.

But, oh, the daydreams I've had! They are so wonderful, yet terrible. I suppose they are a byproduct of fear. Fear of pursuing dreams. Attachment to a symbol and perceived identity. (Although I did run into an odd synchronicity between a portion of the daydream and real life. I'll keep it in mind.)

Focus: Be thankful for what I have. I have beautiful music that fills me with energy. Will I ever see them live? If I don't, it won't lessen my enjoyment of the music. I can always see them in my dreams. Will I ever meet them in person? They have their own lives, as do I. They have their own path just like I do. If our paths happen to intersect, wonderful. If not, rejoice in their journey.

Feb 9, 2010

Keeping Perspective

Time to back up again. Take it easy. The music isn't going anywhere. Breathe.

I feel like I need the music to fuel something. I need it to do something. I feel *driven*. Steve Pavlina asked yesterday, "Is your music still in you?" I know mine is. What can I share? What would others appreciate from me? What do they need me to do for them? All I can muster right now is dancing/rocking my heart out as I drive, cook, bake, and play Star Trek. This relieves tension in the short-term, but it's not enough.

I wrote some poetry the other day, which I really enjoyed. (I've always enjoyed the creation process for writing.) And for once I'm not ashamed of it in any way because it came from my heart. It was genuine. I felt it quite deeply. It's not perfect, but would I like it if it was?

Should I be writing? ...Should I write about what I feel inspired by? If only I could travel and be inspired to write and share this with others. It's such a fantasy; my writing could use a lot of work to boot. The beauty of writing is that you can write about anything your heart wishes. I'm just not sure how I would share that with others.

Ah, I already wrote a much better post about why I like to write. So what am I waiting for?

Feb 4, 2010

A Sonnet on Thursday

So impatient and anxious, yet hands are tied.
What is this weakness? This longing inside?
I'd locked it away as a dream denied
so long ago it should have died.
But now I cannot forget its gaze.
Stricken with passion, my heart ablaze
became an actor who portrays
a lovestruck fool in countless ways.
What began as passing time, a muse
has ushered thoughts I did not choose.
Every moment I pine; I cannot refuse
an intoxicating daydream while listening to you.
Your songs and sounds, they set me free.
I beg you, come and play for me.

Jan 19, 2010

The Choices We Make

"There's only one thing in life you can be sure of: you will die. Once you are born and take your first breath, you begin to die. You have to be prepared at all times." While several of my coworkers scoffed at the 70-year-old contractor for blatantly spouting the "fact of life" as he called it, I smiled thoughtfully in my office. I knew he was right.

One of the young ladies was taken aback and proclaimed, "How negative! I don't think of life that way." "You might want to start thinking about it.You might even go before I do! I'll be ready to go when my time comes." This came from a man who has worked almost every day in his adult life. "You people who work here need vacations. I don't need 'em, cause I don't work. If you don't enjoy what you do, it's work. I enjoy what I do so it's not work. Life is beautiful." After several more minutes, the lady received a phone call, so the contractor said his goodbyes. She protested, but he insisted that he had to continue on with his day. He told her in one last jibe, "I'll be going so you can have a good day." True enough, I think she'll have something to think about the rest of the day.

This is one of the last places I expected to hear this type of conversation. But of course, at the end of the day, anyone can be enlightened. There is always a choice.

Jan 15, 2010

Need to Let Go...Again

Boy, did I get upset yesterday over nothing. Thankfully, an article I read this morning gave me the perspective I needed to regain-- "The Illusion of Need". I let my happiness be determined by the outcome of something I have no control over. For a short while I was even worried that I had been ignoring problems when the truth is that I was inventing problems to worry about! I became stuck on something that I had no control over instead of concerning myself with what I can definitely control: my attitude.

Focus: I will remember to enjoy the moment that I am in. I will pour my passion into creativity and exploration. I will be present and let go of the attachment of how things need to look. When an outcome does not go as planned, I will not suffer. I will face the unknown with love because there is nothing to fear.

Jan 13, 2010

To Remember Love and Light

For a while now I've been reading many articles by Erin Pavlina. Recently, several of her articles as well as other experiences I've been having have all just clicked. I can relate to a lot of what she has written, and I find myself inspired and validated by her blog. We are here to learn, grow, and experience. We are all connected. We are all part of the same whole. When we die, we return home to the rest of our higher self (yay!). Memories are hidden from us behind a barrier while we are here. (It's normal, not malicious.) I've always felt the gravity of good and evil and desired to help good control balance.

I know that I am here to help others remember. Remember love. When I was an adolescent, on what I thought was a lark, I remember thinking that I was put here "to help others know love." Periodically I've thought about that, always feeling differently about it. At first I thought it was romantic love (teenagers, sigh) which lead me to desire--after a horrible break up--shutting myself away in a box so that I might never hurt anyone again. I fell into such a deep depression that it took me a while to let myself be loved after that. My self-esteem was shattered, and I felt lower than the lowest living thing possible. I fell into a rebound relationship thinking I was ready to be loved again by someone who seemed knowledgeable on matters of the spirit, but I almost went too far with the relationship. I almost walked willingly off a cliff into the arms of something negative and undesirable. During that relationship, I found the soul I had really been looking for, and it turns out I had known him for years.

That experience opened my eyes to many memories that I'd been looking for. Those memories and my purpose had been seeping through to me for years, but I had brushed much of it off discounting its relevance. It's even taken me over six years to prepare myself to discover my true purpose. I had to raise my state of consciousness to better reconcile the information I remembered. I used to feel worried, isolated, even arrogant and self-righteous at times because I remembered memories from a past life.

Now I know that it's more important than ever to love unconditionally. It's what I've chosen before, and I want to do it again. Even if I can only reach one person the rest of my life, I want to help them remember the love that is with them. It will be a slow process as I'm not sure yet how I will reach people, but I am confident that I can live my outer life congruently with my inner life.

Focus: I vow to do my best to love unconditionally and live consciously. I resolve to forgive myself and others for mistakes and continue to share love and postive energy. We are all here to learn and grow, and I will do what I can to live up to my potential and help others to do the same as they walk their own paths.