From a Companion

If you could sweep me away, 

I would never hesitate.

There's so much routine to run from.

I dream of you between these repeating grey days.

My enthusiasm for life has died.

Resurrect it with your child's perspective.

Show me the magic of this world

that I have become too numb to see.

I am just a shell of what I used to feel.

Memories no longer sting, warm, or entice.

Day in day out, repeating grey days.

But you will never come, will you?

*********

External, pessimistic, and a little fatalist, perhaps, but a good representation of how some of the Doctor's companions (or probable companions) might feel. They always rely on the Doctor for everything at first. Everything becomes his fault, and he is expected to fix everything. And the Doctor puts up with it, to an extent, because he challenges himself to be useful and important. He wants to be needed since he's destroyed so much in his life.

Strength

I have so much more of myself lying beneath my skin. Below my flesh lies a strength that has slept for eons. This strength is so much more than I can currently imagine--I'm not ready. For now it rests, awaiting a summon from a wiser version of myself.

I have not needed to summon its aid in so long. There has been a reign of peace for ages.
I fear the time to make the call may be nearing.

A Disturbing Dream

This morning I woke up feeling disconcerted.

I had a dream early this morning. I went to the store to buy a fish for dinner. The fish I chose happened to be one that I was supposed to keep alive in a tank until I was ready to cook it. Ok, deal. Well, the fish kept hopping out of the tank onto the floor. What a difficult fish. And this fish wasn't just any old dinner-sized fish, it was as large as a basketball, so it wasn't easy to heft it back into its tank each time it jumped out. Well, one of the times it jumped out, I couldn't get to it quickly so it was out of its tank for a long time.

It changed into a child and began to play.

Now, this being a dream, I didn't think it was anything too out of the ordinary. So I tossed it back in the tank, and it turned back into a fish. This seemed perfectly logical to do in my dream, and hey, it worked. Now if this wasn't odd enough, I proceeded to bake the fish. (WHAT THE FFFFF! I BAKED THE FISH PERSON!) I didn't actually eat the fish, though, because once it was done, I remembered that it had been different, so I decided to notify the company about it. (A little late for that!)

As I made my way to court regarding the fish person situation, the dream started to morph into something Harry Potter-related. Harry and Luna joined me as I was walking to the courtroom, and we were being escorted by policemen. We convinced Luna that she needed to slip away and tell the world about the fish people so others would be able to free them.

Once the rest of us made it to the courtroom, someone was already giving testimony regarding the fish people. A fish person was even present in the courtroom--a 30 year old fish person. "And I killed a fish child. What the hell is wrong with me," I finially thought in my dream. It only took me the whole damn dream to realize it.

Then I woke up never wanting to eat fish again.

*********

As near as I can figure, the dream was trying to tell me that I'm killing something wonderful that's trying to change and grow by doing what I think I'm supposed to do with it. And it's not phasing me. I'm going through the motions. I'm tossing it back in the tank then frying it up because that's what you do with a fish. The fish is my life. It's showing me what I'm doing to myself. Part of me has been trying to change and grow, but the rest of me keeps pushing it back into what I think I'm supposed to be doing. Stay at your job because it's secure; why bother changing when you already have a routine; don't take risks, you have a family to care for; don't sacrifice the little time you have to yourself; your hobbies are enough to explore yourself; everyone has a job. 

What disturbed me the most was my attitude during the dream. I know it was just a dream, but I BAKED A FISH THAT I KNEW WAS REALLY A PERSON, AND I DIDN'T CARE. I didn't care, I checked out of reality, I wasn't engaged, I didn't take action. I need to wake the hell up.

Yesterday I was talking with someone in an INFJ community who happened to be a non-conforming Crisis-Intervention Counselor--meaning she meets with clients outside of clinics at their homes, at coffee shops, etc. I've been contemplating the life coach/counselor road for a while, but I've been hesitant to go back to school for any type of counseling degree. I don't really want to be a counselor. I don't want to work with others who need therapy or drugs. I want to work with others who are a lot like how I was a few years ago when I knew I was ready to lose weight and get healthy--just going through the motions, but wanting to change something, and not knowing how. I managed to do it with the support of my few close friends and an online community, but some people aren't so resourceful.

I want to help others do whatever needs doing to get onto the track they want to be on. I guess that really does define the role of a life coach, now that I think about it. I just don't see myself as a "business professional" life coach, which is what I see all over the place when I try to research life coaching. I can't help clients who are trying to get into Fortune 500 companies in pressed suits because I know nothing of that kind of life. But I can help busy parents devise meal plans or guide their understanding of the emerging personality types in their children. Or I can help someone going through their mid-life crisis figure out what they really want out of life. I can help others through their transitions from one part of their life to another. I can help someone on the road to a better self-image while they get healthy and gain self-confidence. Most people don't need clinical therapy, just someone to lean on. Someone to listen. Someone to offer advice when its needed. Someone to push when you need pushing or to hold you when you don't want to fall. In an age of instant messaging, cell phones, and constant connection, many of us are more alone than ever. And we don't know what to do because no one's listening.

All the skills I enjoy have been leading up to this: eating healthy, cooking, exercising, organizing, personality typing, problem solving, learning on my own (autodidacticism), the way I gravitate to balance out others, and the ability I have to walk in their shoes. I can't stay here at this job forever. I'm not growing anymore. And I can't see myself holding some other dead-end job. I'm not going to up and quit since that would be foolish, but I need to take action at pursuing something that I feel good about. I need to actually apply some of the strategies I keep reading over and over again. I need to contact people who have done this before. I need their advice and guidance so I can apply it to my own situation. I need to get off the sidelines.

But I'm so scared of failure. Logically I know that staying inert is a thousand times worse than whatever minor failure I could encounter, but that doesn't stop my ego imp from making me feel scared to try anything: What makes you think you could give others good advice? You aren't smart enough to help others. You can't help them. Self-employment? That's a lot of work that you're too lazy to do. You'll give up--you have before.

Sorry this turned into a rant. I guess I needed to get some of this out of myself. It's not the first time.