At the End of the Day

I feel in-between. I'm mentally weary from a day's work and need to wind down. I feel no urge to absorb information. Now is a time for rest and processing. I would like to experience something familiar, not new. I think I have the perfect music in mind for the drive home.

I am comforted to simply be.

Blind to Yourself

“Your prevailing characteristic is hidden. You act on it without seeing that you’re acting on it.”

This is why I have trouble defining all but the most general characteristics of myself. I know I'm introverted, intelligent, funny, caring, and emotional...but nothing defining comes to mind such as "caretaker, artist, lover." I've come to appreciate a label-less me. It just makes writing biographies and descriptions of myself difficult. ;)

Passion Without Attachment

What does that mean? A love for music without judgment? Helping others with no expectations? Creativity without concern of outcome? It means I must accept everything as a potential muse and not become reliant on one thing. I must love and appreciate everything.

But, oh, the daydreams I've had! They are so wonderful, yet terrible. I suppose they are a byproduct of fear. Fear of pursuing dreams. Attachment to a symbol and perceived identity. (Although I did run into an odd synchronicity between a portion of the daydream and real life. I'll keep it in mind.)

Focus: Be thankful for what I have. I have beautiful music that fills me with energy. Will I ever see them live? If I don't, it won't lessen my enjoyment of the music. I can always see them in my dreams. Will I ever meet them in person? They have their own lives, as do I. They have their own path just like I do. If our paths happen to intersect, wonderful. If not, rejoice in their journey.

Keeping Perspective

Time to back up again. Take it easy. The music isn't going anywhere. Breathe.

I feel like I need the music to fuel something. I need it to do something. I feel *driven*. Steve Pavlina asked yesterday, "Is your music still in you?" I know mine is. What can I share? What would others appreciate from me? What do they need me to do for them? All I can muster right now is dancing/rocking my heart out as I drive, cook, bake, and play Star Trek. This relieves tension in the short-term, but it's not enough.

I wrote some poetry the other day, which I really enjoyed. (I've always enjoyed the creation process for writing.) And for once I'm not ashamed of it in any way because it came from my heart. It was genuine. I felt it quite deeply. It's not perfect, but would I like it if it was?

Should I be writing? ...Should I write about what I feel inspired by? If only I could travel and be inspired to write and share this with others. It's such a fantasy; my writing could use a lot of work to boot. The beauty of writing is that you can write about anything your heart wishes. I'm just not sure how I would share that with others.

Ah, I already wrote a much better post about why I like to write. So what am I waiting for?

A Sonnet on Thursday

So impatient and anxious, yet hands are tied.
What is this weakness? This longing inside?
I'd locked it away as a dream denied
so long ago it should have died.
But now I cannot forget its gaze.
Stricken with passion, my heart ablaze
became an actor who portrays
a lovestruck fool in countless ways.
What began as passing time, a muse
has ushered thoughts I did not choose.
Every moment I pine; I cannot refuse
an intoxicating daydream while listening to you.
Your songs and sounds, they set me free.
I beg you, come and play for me.

The Choices We Make

"There's only one thing in life you can be sure of: you will die. Once you are born and take your first breath, you begin to die. You have to be prepared at all times." While several of my coworkers scoffed at the 70-year-old contractor for blatantly spouting the "fact of life" as he called it, I smiled thoughtfully in my office. I knew he was right.

One of the young ladies was taken aback and proclaimed, "How negative! I don't think of life that way." "You might want to start thinking about it.You might even go before I do! I'll be ready to go when my time comes." This came from a man who has worked almost every day in his adult life. "You people who work here need vacations. I don't need 'em, cause I don't work. If you don't enjoy what you do, it's work. I enjoy what I do so it's not work. Life is beautiful." After several more minutes, the lady received a phone call, so the contractor said his goodbyes. She protested, but he insisted that he had to continue on with his day. He told her in one last jibe, "I'll be going so you can have a good day." True enough, I think she'll have something to think about the rest of the day.

This is one of the last places I expected to hear this type of conversation. But of course, at the end of the day, anyone can be enlightened. There is always a choice.

Need to Let Go...Again

Boy, did I get upset yesterday over nothing. Thankfully, an article I read this morning gave me the perspective I needed to regain-- "The Illusion of Need". I let my happiness be determined by the outcome of something I have no control over. For a short while I was even worried that I had been ignoring problems when the truth is that I was inventing problems to worry about! I became stuck on something that I had no control over instead of concerning myself with what I can definitely control: my attitude.

Focus: I will remember to enjoy the moment that I am in. I will pour my passion into creativity and exploration. I will be present and let go of the attachment of how things need to look. When an outcome does not go as planned, I will not suffer. I will face the unknown with love because there is nothing to fear.