Estranged, Chapter 3: Choices

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Saturday morning came, and Rowan awoke to smells of breakfast from the kitchen. "James can't cook," she mumbled as she turned over to see that it was 7am. "Maybe Rob can? I hope there are some eggs left." She rolled out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom to wash up.

When she entered the bathroom she couldn't help but stare at herself in the mirror. Her eyes shot wide open, and she braced herself against the vanity as the previous night’s events flooded back to her attention. Rowan flexed her grip on the sides of the sink in a concentrated effort to make sure she was really awake. Her thoughts paralyzed her in a temporary panic. Am I remembering last night correctly? Did I really meet Loki, the man formerly known as the god of deception, on a rooftop? Did I really believe his story and take him to dinner? Did I really give him my spare room because it felt like the right thing to do? I can't tell anyone the truth. And I never thought about what I will say to James!

The episode only lasted a few moments until she began to move her thoughts forward rather than backward. She entertained different fabrications for Loki’s story as she brushed her teeth and took a quick shower. She had been too excited the night before to give in to worry. As she paced her room and tossed in bed she had only thought about how she could help Loki and the different looks that crossed his face. She had imagined what wrongs could have possibly put those pained emotions in him and how she might approach talking to him about it.

As difficult as it was, the man needed to talk about his troubles. Rowan knew it was a delicate process, but she was confident in her ability to offer whatever help he needed. She knew she would easily adapt her interactions with him to compliment his personality—to push when he pulled and follow his lead. But it had been a long time she she had been presented with such a challenging person. What would be required of her? What was the cost of helping a man like Loki? She dismissed the concern for now. If she could do nothing else, she could help him on the path to fixing himself. That is, if he wanted to be fixed. She wasn’t sure she could stand him if he did not.

She threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and towel dried her hair before heading into the kitchen. She began to admire the sun streaming in through the windows beyond the dining area when her mouth fell open in shock. Loki had been the chef cooking breakfast—by himself. His shirt sleeves were rolled up, and he wore a plain white apron that Rowan seldom used. He had toast and omelets for three plated and ready to eat at the bar as she approached.

"...You? You can cook?"

"Here, try it." He handed her a fork with that little smile of his.

"You can cook," Rowan said as she raised her eyebrows and took a seat. "This is really good. Where did you learn to—"

"Internet." He cut her off with a grin. His eyes shone with the morning sun, yet the lines of his face were slim and sharp—he was not used to smiling, it would seem. "I hope you do not mind that I used your computer last night. Sleep eluded me. Wonderful place for information, the Internet. Woefully ill-managed, but that's another matter.” He began to tidy up and removed the apron. “Ah, here comes your roommate."

James and Rob entered the kitchen bleary-eyed. Obviously they had been up late. "Ro, whatever you cooked smells amazing! Could you pass me a cup of coffee? Somebody kept me up all night." Rob snickered at James's comment, and Rowan rolled her eyes hoping they did not see her reaction. She wasn’t very comfortable with the way James paraded his relationship about. She took no issue with his sexuality; she only wished he would be more tactful. She certainly would be if she had any sort of relationship beyond the notebook she felt married to. She didn’t even own a pet to share her free time with.

The two men stopped giggling when they realized there was a fourth person present. How they missed a 6’2” stranger cooking breakfast in their kitchen was beyond her, but neither James nor Rob were the brightest crayon in the box. James glanced suggestively from Rowan to Loki and back, and Rowan’s faced reddened at James’s assumption that Loki must have been a date she brought home. She quickly put down the plate of half-eaten omelet to introduce them.

"James, Rob, this is...Loki, our new roommate—at least for a while." She had decided the truth, but not the details, were sufficient enough. "He's a friend of mine who needs a place to stay while he gets back on his feet. He's agreed to help out around the place in exchange for the room."

"Loki? Funny name." James scoffed, "Wait, didn’t we just hear that name on Jeopardy the other day?” He was speaking only to Rob as if Loki was not standing directly across the counter from him. “Oh, I remember the answer now: ‘The Norse mythological god of mischief’, right?" He took an empty seat at the bar and Rob followed suit, the three of them now an audience before Loki.

"That's me," Loki grinned as he arranged their coffee cups on the counter. Rowan couldn't help but stifle a laugh behind her hand as she swallowed her food. James had no idea how right he was.

James finally decided to address Loki directly, “What’s got you needing a place to stay? You get laid off? If you need a job, let me know, and I’ll hook ya up with some of my friends.” Rowan’s thoughts were scathing. How considerate of him. She was feeling a particularly bad streak of animosity toward James today. How dare he embarrass her in front of their new roommate!

“Oh, I had a falling out with my father, and he evicted me from our home.” Loki wiped the counter down casually, obviously enjoying a moment to placate ignorance.

“Ooh, tough. I know all about that kind of thing. My dad hasn’t spoken to me in five years.” Loki leaned over to wipe a stray drip from the cabinet below him. James leaned on the counter to meet Loki’s eye level and raised an eyebrow. “Ya didn’t come out by chance, didya?”

Loki paused his movement, understanding beginning to dawn on his expression, yet he did not answer them. Rob and James both burst out laughing while Rowan nervously watched Loki’s reaction. Loki’s eyes flared in irritation, but the two goons continued to cackle for a moment, oblivious to the gears turning in Loki’s mind that were surely devising a counterstroke.

Rob finally decided to speak when he saw an opportunity to joke, "You know, Loki,” Rob’s voice was slightly effeminate, “I bet you were teased all through grade school with a name like that. Tell your brother Thor I said 'Hi'," and he laughed at his own excuse for a joke. Surely it had taken him the entire conversation so far to recall the name of Loki’s brother. Rowan was surprised he had been correct.

Loki's face tightened, his counterstroke forgotten. It seems Rob had struck a nerve with Thor’s mention. Rowan didn't think James and Rob would notice since they were too pleased with themselves and their attempted wittiness.

Only she heard Loki’s quiet reply directed at the countertop, "If he ever speaks to me again." And with that Loki was done joking around. With a forced smile he changed the subject instead. "Please, enjoy the breakfast. A pleasure to meet you James and Rob. If you will excuse me, I will see you all later." He collected his jacket at the door and left the apartment. Rowan stared after him. Should I follow him or let him go? She felt torn.

"Well, 'Hello, goodbye,' I guess. James, put down that coffee and try this. It's fantastic! Rowan, you must have helped him. Men that good-looking don't really know how to cook."

James preferred to speculate on Loki's exit. "Maybe he went out job hunting. Ro, is he looking for a job? Carter is looking for some help in his warehouse, but I bet a guy like him doesn't want to lift couches all day even if it does mean a paycheck. Although I'd certainly like to watch him lift couches all day..." He stared toward the door as if he was still watching Loki’s exit. Shallow morons. If they realized they'd struck a wrong chord, they'd shut up.

"He really did cook the eggs, guys. And I don't think he's looking for a job right now. I'm going to go keep an eye on him, though." Rowan threw on a jacket and left the apartment to follow Loki.

*********

Cooking breakfast for himself had not been a big deal, though including food for everyone in the apartment had been spur of the moment. He kept reminding himself that he was no longer the only cog in the clock, and while he should have been infuriated at that, he found it was only a minor nuisance. Her surprise and glowing approval had been quite rewarding to receive, but satisfaction over something as small as breakfast was small potatoes indeed. He craved more.

He needed a bigger challenge than what he could find in that tiny apartment. But what could he do that was acceptable to these humans and a worthy challenge to him? The answer was within reach, and a walk was all he wanted to settle his mind and find it. A walk free of distraction and the bitter memories of what was currently out of reach, lost to him in human form. Those two fools were quite amusing until they brought him up.

Loki had just crossed the near-empty street when Rowan caught up to him. He easily remembered the route they had walked the night before and headed through the residential area. It would be free of tourists roaming the streets.

"Where are you going?" Rowan fell in beside him.

"Somewhere with less distraction," Loki said shortly. "I have much to consider, and that cannot be accomplished in the presence of—"

“Idiots. I know. Those two aren’t very conducive to higher thought processes. I’m sorry you had to meet them at all...” She laughed, but then spoke with hesitation, "Do you mind if I tag along? I hope you don’t consider me part of their club."

You are only the biggest distraction I have. Please, join me while the former god decides how he will try to be a respectable human. The idea of playing human should have sickened him, and he kept waiting for the feeling to come, but it did not. His thought was ironic, though, because he really did want her to join him. Even though reason flew out the window when she was near him, he felt calm this morning with her beside him. I am not used to this type of interaction. This is why I prefer nothing more than lackeys around me. Too long it had been since he had a confidant—not since his brother and he were much younger and more naive.

"No, please walk with me. You...are not like them at all. You hold sense in your eyes."

"Good. I’m glad you consider me a higher life form.” Rowan smiled and put her hands in her pockets as they walked. “We can walk through the park if we head this way. It's probably still quiet this time of morning."

They turned in unison and made their way to the park. The climbing sun felt warm in the small spans between tightly arrayed houses and trees. Elsewhere the shade was chilly, made worse by the morning breeze that swept in from the bay. They walked several blocks before Rowan broke the silence.

"You could have stepped over and talked to me last night if you couldn’t sleep. I was up for a while myself."

He'd heard her pacing about her room as well until late last night. He might have been human now, but he was still more observant than most people. "I would not have disturbed your rest, though your offer was very kind.” He willed himself to consider his words further, but he spoke without hesitation, “I am trying to decide what activities will provide an appropriate challenge for my abilities."

"Good idea. Did you have anything in mind?" Rowan’s tone was supportive, and he found himself grateful rather than patronized.

"If it were that easy, I would be doing it already," he muttered ruefully. He caught her smirk out of the corner of his eye. Again, he was surprised at his lack of anger. Instead he smiled a little himself. Inwardly his logic felt very confused at the exchange.

They reached the park and walked along the harbor front that lined one of its sides. It was indeed still quiet with only a few joggers and dog-walkers sharing the area. Loki finally slowed their swift pace to a slower stride.

“A lot happen to you, Loki. It's stressful. Maybe take it easy for a while?"

"Perhaps," Loki sighed. What will I do with myself? Cooking meals and tidying a living space day in and day out would drive me mad even if it did serve a purpose.

"Do you have any hobbies?"

"Hobbies?" Loki pushed away the urge to answer with his former escapades: attempts at world domination, usurping thrones, and playing allies against one another. He was taking a break from all of that, and much of it felt a distant memory anyway. Rowan had no need to know more of his past than was necessary.

"Activities that you enjoy doing in your spare time. You know most of my hobbies already: reading, writing, and baking."

His love of knowledge was something he could discuss easily, though. "I enjoy reading as well. Asgard has a great library full of books and artifacts from all the different realms.  Knowledge is power, and I could surely live there if I did not feel driven to take action and apply that knowledge."

Rowan’s eyes sparkled with interest, "Oh, if only I could see it! It must be incredible...” She trailed off for a moment, visualizing the great library to herself, no doubt. “What else? I assume gods do more than just read when they aren't—wait, what do gods do all day? I have no idea."

Loki laughed in spite of himself. It had been a long time since he’d entertained such naivete. It was almost endearing.  "Asgard is the highest realm, and we have many gods, but we value our warriors the most. Many specialists of noble birth come to Asgard to practice and employ their talents. Sorcerers, healers, and warriors of other realms flock to serve there. Asgard watches all the realms and keeps peace when needed. We help settle disputes between them sometimes."

"Mediators...but I figured you'd be the one starting disputes given your reputation."

Loki sighed, "That is quite true. I usually am.” They walked on in silence for a few paces as a jogger passed them. “I cannot say I regret any of my past actions, but somehow...somehow I cannot understand what drove me to commit some of my crimes. Time and distance are giving me perspective, I suppose. I no longer desire such a life." He slowed his steps slightly and gave Rowan’s back a searching look as her movements lagged behind his. "Not right now." Her damp, wavy hair glistened in the sunlight. Rather than label it boring as he had the night before, he admired the way it fell. He had already determined that she didn’t do much with it, but the waves alone gave her hair enough interest. Maybe it wasn’t so boring after all. There goes my sense again. What has come over me with this woman?

She slowed to match his pace. "What about your family? Won't they miss you?"

Thinking of his family was painful. On the one hand he distantly felt jealousy, spite, and anger as he always had, but on the other hand...he did long to be home. His absolute solitude drifting in the void between realms had shaken him...alone for so long in the deafening silence... he shuddered. "Oh, I cannot imagine why they would miss me after my betrayal. Asgard will certainly be quieter again without me."

Rowan halted and put her hand on Loki's arm to stop him. She pulled him to the guard rail overlooking the harbor. Seagulls and a few small boats dotted the water. The cargo ports and harbor tour boats were located elsewhere in the city. "And what about you? Do you miss them?"

Loki began to frame his response, but the words seemed to speak themselves. "I did not expect that I would, but in reality, I do miss them. It makes little sense that they still care for me. For a while now I have been disobedient, stubborn, spiteful...you can imagine the rest of the list. I am not yet sure how we might reconcile our differences." Never had Loki spoken such feelings aloud. Normally he would have felt betrayal and anger for someone else to know his true feelings, but Rowan... it felt acceptable that Rowan should know...

"Your family wouldn’t stop caring for you just because you’re going through a rough patch. Loki, could you explain to me why you were exiled? I understand that you can’t tell me your life story, but...If I’m going to live with you, I’d at least like to know what got you here."

"I can explain, but you may not understand completely. Other realms are far different than Midgard—Earth," he corrected himself.

"Please,” she scoffed. “Give me some credit. I've stuck with you this far, haven’t I?" She smiled at him and he found himself returning the smile. Her patience is unmatched. I am quite undeserving of it.

"Alright, let us take a seat. It is quite an ordeal to explain."

Loki told Rowan of his exploits in Alfheim, and how he found an ancient staff that would allow him to charm others to do his bidding. He used the staff to ensnare his family and friends, and it had worked on them all except for Odin. Loki was able to return the staff to its home in Alfheim, but as punishment for manipulating those closest to him, Odin banished Loki to Earth. He cannot return until he has demonstrated an understanding of compassion. And that's where Rowan's involvement picked up. He omitted his resolution to follow the rules while he is human. He figured that should be obvious by now.

Rowan had been silently rapt during Loki's explanation, but now she spoke up. "That's...incredible. Magic is real... I’d always dreamed, but—but you’re human now. You’re no longer a sorcerer. How frustrating.” Her smile drooped into a sympathetic frown.

He leaned back to examine the tree branches above their bench. “You would not believe my frustration.” He began to feel expectant again, as if the conversation was taking an important turn.

Rowan tripped over her words, her mind moving faster than her mouth, “I’m just curious— But if it's too personal— You don't have to—” She stopped to let out a long breath to try again. “I’ll just ask it. Do you miss Mirella? She cared for you a great deal. Enough to die for you."

"Miss her?” The thought hadn’t occurred to him. Sure he was thankful for her help, but miss her? Why should he miss her...? Yet again he found himself speaking before he could hold any words back.

“Part of me had hoped to see her again. To feel free and live in the moment..." His attention wandered to a few autumn leaves caught in a swirling dust devil several paces away. It reminded him of his dance with Mirella—his brush with freedom. He murmured almost too low for Rowan to hear, "I regret that I will never experience that again."

Rowan gave him a sidelong look. "Says who? You choose how you want to experience your reality, not the other way around." She smiled widely before barking a laugh, "Now only if I could follow my own advice more often..."

"Choices..." Loki mused quietly, then sighed. They both sat back against the bench, and the conversation shifted back to Loki’s need of an activity. “I have too many choices. That is my conundrum.”

“Well, let’s approach this differently. What do you hate to see more than anything else? What do you wish you could change whenever you see it? You don’t have to answer right now, just think about it.”

Loki’s focus became clearer with his explanation, “There is no need to ponder further on that. It is a simple question to answer. I despise broken systems and inefficiency. Nothing irritates me more than to see a wasteful distribution of energy whether it be a corrupted regime, poor battle strategy, or misuse of resources. Understanding the capability of all parts involved is essential. After that it is only a matter of employing the pieces properly to accomplish the desired task.” Namely his own desires in the past. Would he still work only for himself?

“I’m sure you could apply that to something here. It sounds like a very useful, all-purpose ability.”

“Indeed it is. I have always thought myself best fit to fix things, but many disagree with me at times. People take offense when you try to fix things they believe to work correctly already. Many people in positions of power are quite stubborn, human and otherwise.”

“Then avoid them and help people who do want to fix things.”

“How would I know who needs my services?”

“That I don’t know. I think that’s the limit of my brainstorming.” She fluffed the back of her drying hair with her hand then crossed her arms in thought.

They sat together in silence for a time simply watching events around them—squirrels searching through fallen leaves, seagulls coasting on the wind, joggers passing through, boats out on the water—but rather than awkward it felt comfortable. As a youth Loki had increasingly begun to avoid his brother’s company during their free time because Thor had no appreciation for silence. His brother had insisted on constant action without thought, and while such events excited Thor, it only served Loki as a reliable source of exhaustion. Loki appreciated the serenity of the great library in the same manner that Thor enjoyed a raucous tavern.

Loki found their situation relaxing and was able to devise a plan of action easily once he let his thoughts mingle. It was utterly simple once he realized what he needed to do. He would be able to use some of his natural talents after all, if a bit unorthodoxly. Reflecting on Thor's extraverted tendencies had actually been a generous clue. Humans are too easy, he reminded himself. They talk too much and give away everything if you just listen.

“I have an idea, but I must go alone. I shall return to the apartment later today.” He stood and gave her a small bow. A shallow one, but worthy enough for nobles at court. May as well impress the girl if she enjoys being impressed. She deserves something for her help. “You have been most helpful this morning, Rowan. I thank you.”

Her bashful smile understated the joy he felt radiating from her. She was indeed impressed. Good. She stood, still looking up at him due to his height.

“Do you like scallops?”

"Mollusks? If you mean as a culinary dish, certainly. Why do you ask?"

"While you were thinking of what to do with yourself, I was thinking about what I wanted for dinner, and I’d like some scallops. I have more time to cook on the weekend. I’ll make you dinner since you made me breakfast," she smiled. "It’ll be ready at 7."

Loki nodded approvingly. “Very well. 7 this evening. I suppose I should acquire a timepiece while I am out.”

“Do you have any money?” Rowan looked confused.

“I use a better system of value than currency,” Loki grinned slyly. He turned and left her wondering. It was always more fun to leave them wondering.

As they walked their separate ways, his full focus shifted back to his plan. His stride was full of a vigor he had not felt in ages, and he attributed it to his burgeoning plan. The stage of planning and possibilities was always the most exciting. For today he was on reconnaissance, to listen and observe. He would not act today unless an opportunity presented itself. He pushed Rowan to the back of his mind, but what he did not recognize was how deep his satisfaction ran. Her happiness was not just acceptable, it was desired.

He was looking forward to 7 o’clock.