A Disturbing Dream

This morning I woke up feeling disconcerted.

I had a dream early this morning. I went to the store to buy a fish for dinner. The fish I chose happened to be one that I was supposed to keep alive in a tank until I was ready to cook it. Ok, deal. Well, the fish kept hopping out of the tank onto the floor. What a difficult fish. And this fish wasn't just any old dinner-sized fish, it was as large as a basketball, so it wasn't easy to heft it back into its tank each time it jumped out. Well, one of the times it jumped out, I couldn't get to it quickly so it was out of its tank for a long time.

It changed into a child and began to play.

Now, this being a dream, I didn't think it was anything too out of the ordinary. So I tossed it back in the tank, and it turned back into a fish. This seemed perfectly logical to do in my dream, and hey, it worked. Now if this wasn't odd enough, I proceeded to bake the fish. (WHAT THE FFFFF! I BAKED THE FISH PERSON!) I didn't actually eat the fish, though, because once it was done, I remembered that it had been different, so I decided to notify the company about it. (A little late for that!)

As I made my way to court regarding the fish person situation, the dream started to morph into something Harry Potter-related. Harry and Luna joined me as I was walking to the courtroom, and we were being escorted by policemen. We convinced Luna that she needed to slip away and tell the world about the fish people so others would be able to free them.

Once the rest of us made it to the courtroom, someone was already giving testimony regarding the fish people. A fish person was even present in the courtroom--a 30 year old fish person. "And I killed a fish child. What the hell is wrong with me," I finially thought in my dream. It only took me the whole damn dream to realize it.

Then I woke up never wanting to eat fish again.

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As near as I can figure, the dream was trying to tell me that I'm killing something wonderful that's trying to change and grow by doing what I think I'm supposed to do with it. And it's not phasing me. I'm going through the motions. I'm tossing it back in the tank then frying it up because that's what you do with a fish. The fish is my life. It's showing me what I'm doing to myself. Part of me has been trying to change and grow, but the rest of me keeps pushing it back into what I think I'm supposed to be doing. Stay at your job because it's secure; why bother changing when you already have a routine; don't take risks, you have a family to care for; don't sacrifice the little time you have to yourself; your hobbies are enough to explore yourself; everyone has a job. 

What disturbed me the most was my attitude during the dream. I know it was just a dream, but I BAKED A FISH THAT I KNEW WAS REALLY A PERSON, AND I DIDN'T CARE. I didn't care, I checked out of reality, I wasn't engaged, I didn't take action. I need to wake the hell up.

Yesterday I was talking with someone in an INFJ community who happened to be a non-conforming Crisis-Intervention Counselor--meaning she meets with clients outside of clinics at their homes, at coffee shops, etc. I've been contemplating the life coach/counselor road for a while, but I've been hesitant to go back to school for any type of counseling degree. I don't really want to be a counselor. I don't want to work with others who need therapy or drugs. I want to work with others who are a lot like how I was a few years ago when I knew I was ready to lose weight and get healthy--just going through the motions, but wanting to change something, and not knowing how. I managed to do it with the support of my few close friends and an online community, but some people aren't so resourceful.

I want to help others do whatever needs doing to get onto the track they want to be on. I guess that really does define the role of a life coach, now that I think about it. I just don't see myself as a "business professional" life coach, which is what I see all over the place when I try to research life coaching. I can't help clients who are trying to get into Fortune 500 companies in pressed suits because I know nothing of that kind of life. But I can help busy parents devise meal plans or guide their understanding of the emerging personality types in their children. Or I can help someone going through their mid-life crisis figure out what they really want out of life. I can help others through their transitions from one part of their life to another. I can help someone on the road to a better self-image while they get healthy and gain self-confidence. Most people don't need clinical therapy, just someone to lean on. Someone to listen. Someone to offer advice when its needed. Someone to push when you need pushing or to hold you when you don't want to fall. In an age of instant messaging, cell phones, and constant connection, many of us are more alone than ever. And we don't know what to do because no one's listening.

All the skills I enjoy have been leading up to this: eating healthy, cooking, exercising, organizing, personality typing, problem solving, learning on my own (autodidacticism), the way I gravitate to balance out others, and the ability I have to walk in their shoes. I can't stay here at this job forever. I'm not growing anymore. And I can't see myself holding some other dead-end job. I'm not going to up and quit since that would be foolish, but I need to take action at pursuing something that I feel good about. I need to actually apply some of the strategies I keep reading over and over again. I need to contact people who have done this before. I need their advice and guidance so I can apply it to my own situation. I need to get off the sidelines.

But I'm so scared of failure. Logically I know that staying inert is a thousand times worse than whatever minor failure I could encounter, but that doesn't stop my ego imp from making me feel scared to try anything: What makes you think you could give others good advice? You aren't smart enough to help others. You can't help them. Self-employment? That's a lot of work that you're too lazy to do. You'll give up--you have before.

Sorry this turned into a rant. I guess I needed to get some of this out of myself. It's not the first time. 

Strange Dreams

They warn women that rising anxiety and hormonal shifts during late third trimester can cause strange dreams. Mine have been relatively normal except for last night.

I was living in a small ranch house by myself. A gruff, evil man I did not know broke into my house and held me hostage there. I couldn't leave. I couldn't call for help. I couldn't overpower or outsmart him. He didn't physically abuse me, but I remember feeling oppressed. I felt myself succumbing to Stockholm Syndrome. I found myself feeling attracted to him even though I knew he had a different agenda. At one point my parents came to the house, and I let them in. They took some shopping bags into a back room, and I tried to tell them to call 911, but nothing would come out of my mouth. Later once my mom realized he was there, I told her, "We have to leave. We have to get out." She looked at me with tears in her eyes, "We'll die." At that point, I woke up.

I whined. I didn't feel upset to the point of tears, but I felt terrible that I couldn't figure out what to do. I was disappointed. Thankfully Travis must have sensed that and was really comforting even before I could mention that I had a bad dream. I still feel disappointed in myself. I took no actions and stagnated rather than make a move.

Meet Me Halfway

The Dream:

We were in a fairly busy food court. As I spoke with Thomas, Guy joined us and sat next to me. Why did he sit next to me, I thought to myself wildly. He's Thomas's right-hand man. It took everything I had not to gaze at him. I tried to act casually as I continued my conversation with his best friend and counterpart, but all of my attention--everything in my being--was focused on Guy. Possibly sensing this, the exchange with Thomas dwindled, and I soon found myself relatively alone with Guy. We seemed to have our own conversation simply by sitting next to one another. We had not touched or looked at one another directly, yet we both conveyed love and understanding. Inwardly I yearned to hear him speak to me--to ask me to see him again. Outwardly I busied myself with my phone. My ego began to chide. It denied that he'd even sensed my wishes. Ego lashed at me, "Why would he want to be with you? You're no one. He doesn't even know you exist. See how he has ignored you?" Instead of fear, I gave love to ego. Before ego could jibe again, he spoke:

"Can you meet me in Missouri?" He turned to me ever so slightly so I could see his profile.
"Hm?" I perked up, frozen, but elated that he asked me to meet him. Missouri? As in halfway to LA?
"Can you meet me halfway?" Ah, not halfway literally...

Can you meet me halfway? Of course I can! I didn't answer aloud. Instead I let my head fall to his shoulder. He wore a beat up brown leather jacket that felt like love. It was so comforting I snuggled into his arm. He snuggled a little himself as an acknowledgment of my answer. We still had not seen each others' eyes. There was no need. We sat there together with love, oblivious to the rest of the world.


The Reflection:

• I seem to be communicating more often in my dreams without speaking. Last night's dream was more of a conveyance with hope of reciprocation, which happened.
• My confidence in unconditional love is growing. I'm catching myself more before making negative comments or having negative thoughts. It's more congruous to re-frame a situation and avoid negativity. It's easier to feel love than hate. And I'm very happy to have feelings of unconditional love for the day because of a dream.
• My thoughts of Guy have changed since the pregnancy. I see him more as an equal to convey love to, instead of placing him above me. We are all equal, just different.
• Can you meet me halfway? Does this have meaning? Or was it just a device of the dream? I'll think on it today and see where it goes.

There is Still Love

This is the second week that I've had "love" dreams. I woke up feeling very loved and capable of loving.

First, I dreamed I was dreaming. In that dream speech and sound didn't exist. There was feeling. I could still see, though, so who I saw was a man similar to Nick Andros (Rob Lowe), but younger and more vibrant. There was love; Oh, there was love! We were both so gentle. When I awoke, the world was different. He looked different physically, but he was the same inside. Now he resembled someone I knew from high school, but still did not speak or hear. At first I lamented that he wasn't the same, but then I realized that love is still love no matter how you appear. I still had a connection to him. There was still love.

On the way to work I had a moment of recognition: T and I are connected. We're travelers. We're the pair of geese in the morning sky. We're quite capable of that gentle love, if only we'd notice it.