Letting Go

I find it is becoming easier to let go. Over the past few weeks I've begun to exclude many non-important activities in favor of more fulfilling pursuits. My routines are far from perfect, but I've felt much more congruent internally than I have compared to the past few months. Lately I've rediscovered the benefits of knitting, painting, music, imagination, listening, and just feeling.

The biggest distraction I'm working on letting go of is distraction itself. Meditation is coming along slowly, but I'm gaining good experiences from it. At the moment it's more of a weekly rather than daily practice. My meditations seem to leave me with questions rather than peace and clarity. I appreciate it as I enjoy the focus it gives me. (My days seem to be riddled with poor focus or a lack of focus altogether.) Hopefully one day my sessions will leave me with a few answers instead.

Last night's meditation took me up a hill in a forest (I always try to travel up in some way). There was a familiar dirt path that lead me towards the cottage. As I walked it, a small flickering light caught my eye off to my left. I walked over to it and discovered a small, amber-colored stone. When I picked it up, somehow I knew it needed to be cleaned, so I rubbed it. As I rubbed and polished it, I felt a bright sensation in my forehead. It took some time to clean it up, but afterward I felt better. By the time this was done, I was starting to lose my focus and felt tired. Right before I made it to the cottage, I sensed the woman with me. She told me it was ok to go to sleep. I would be able to come back later when I was ready.

Many of my meditations end that way: "You can come back when you're ready." It's not negative, though; it's conveyed with love and patience. I guess it's hard work getting ready to listen, eh?

An Exercise to Slow Down During Busy Times

I decided to take a moment for myself today because it was so busy. I felt mentally disorganized and overwhelmed, even though there wasn't much externally or internally that was stressing me.

I simply opened up a new document in Notepad and began writing what I could sense right this moment. I only used my five senses, no opinions or assumptions allowed. After typing for a minute or two, I stopped and was able to relax/meditate for another minute or two. It was enough to get myself back in order. I've italicized the thoughts that I should have reigned in.

I am present. I hear a plane muffled by the buildings surrounding me as well as the air between myself and it. I hear the buzz of fluorescent light and the click-clack of my keyboard. The phone rings, and I'm triggered to answer.

I sit up straight. A song plays in my head, and my teeth chew gum. Elsewhere in the building a printer does its work as does a stapler. I stop. Gum to the trash, and fingers still, eyes closed. Hoping the mind can follow for a time. Subtle ambient noises prevents me from hearing my own breath. Another plane, distant.

Your exercise may be longer or shorter, depending on how long it takes you to focus. You could also opt to repeat an affirming phrase to help you focus.

Still in the Aether

I feel as if you are waiting for me
Patiently biding your time until the right moment
We haven't met before
Yet I know your name, but nothing else
I wonder what you're like...
How does your laugh sound?
Will you be ambitious or cautious?
A feeler or thinker?
A sensate or intuitive?
What do you want to do with your life?
Which lessons have you chosen to learn?
Whenever you are ready, I will be waiting
I will know you when I see your eyes

Strangers -- Portishead

Ohh........
Can anybody see the light
Where the morn meets the dew and the tide rises
Did you realise, no one can see inside your view
Did you realise, forwhy this sight belongs to you

Ohh........
Just set aside your fears of life
With this sole desire

Done it warning
Done it now
This ain't real
On in this side

Done it warning
Done it now
This ain't real
On in this side

Done it warning
Done it now
This ain't real

Done it warning
Done it now
This ain't real
On in this side

Ohh............
Can anybody see the light
Where the morn meets the dew and the tide rises
Did you realise, no one can ever see inside your view
Did you realise, forewhy this sight belongs to you

A Content Explantion of Past Foresight

What have I done?

The avenue I chose was admittedly tragic in every sense of the word. It was the swiftest, most ironic opportunity that I possibly could have seized. Why? Well, what would you have done with evil in one hand and death in the other? Death was the lesser of two evils. I would have died anyway bearing what I carried. My will would not have withstood bringing such a thing into being. I am sorry to have caused you grief. It's no one's fault that it happened. If it's any consolation, I felt safe in your arms before I left.

I chose where I stood, therefore I chose where I fell. I made a sacrifice to prevent a dangerous outcome. It was time to move on—time to wait. When this memory came back to me so long after, I can attest that I felt comforted and relieved.

I can still feel you, even so far away.

Originally posted Decmeber 16, 2008, edited and re-posted November 13, 2009.

Religion

• More and more I realize that it doesn't matter what religion you follow because we are all on our own paths. I no longer feel any distance or resentment towards others based on their beliefs.
• I do not look down on others for their values.
  
• I accept that others do not have the same opinions as me, and that it's ok for them to have said opinions. (Sometimes I become too rooted in what I believe and feel hostile or defensive because of another's opinion, but then I step back and realize that they are entitled to their own opinion.)

The White-Grey Room

I feel an urge to return to the white-grey room. The place where I shared a connection. A place that has become unused. I felt safe there. No need to be anyone but myself. No need to speak, just be.

I didn't go back because the connection was done, but maybe I'm not done with the room. What will be there if I return?

~~~~~~~

It's no longer the plain white-grey room I remember. It's the cottage.

It has wooden plank flooring with light streaming in through small windows and cracks between the wall boards. There are trees outside. I can tell that the room is sparsely decorated, but I can't really focus on any one thing in the small abode.

There is a woman with a shawl in the room, smiling at me. She's holding out her hands as if she wants me to come closer and take them. Should I?